I'm a Star, but Really, Who am I?

Living in Los Angeles, I’ve had the opportunity to witness the anguish and despair of countless celebrities who have acquired fame and fortune, but at the expense of a personal identity and sense of self.  These beautiful, powerful and alluring individuals often live in the shadows, having to hide from the world and live a life in secret where others can often not be trusted, where their value is dependent on their [often unpredictable opportunities for] success, where loyalties are questioned, and where the opportunity for simply “being” is out of reach. 

Whilst most people envy the lives of the rich and famous, what is lost is an understanding of the profound loneliness, anxiety, despair, and pressure that is too often the consequence of this lifestyle.  For these individuals, help and support is a complicated and often prohibitive process.  Because of the fear of exposure and the devastating personal and professional consequences that can result, relief often comes in the form of drugs and alcohol, or other maladaptive forms of coping.   The fear of judgment, blacklisting, public humiliation and image destruction that accompanies exposure leaves one few choices but to attempt to simply live with the pain.  The ultimate consequence of trying to “manage” is an exacerbation of symptoms, including alienation from the “self who once was”. 

Identity is a vital aspect of development from infancy through later adulthood.  Satisfaction often accompanies a sense that one’s life has constituted meaning, fulfillment, connection, and purpose.  The demands of a public life can rob one of the capacity for wholeness and balance, and create a shift in values (the process of which is frequently unconscious).  One of the most gratifying emotional experiences is to be ‘seen’, truly known, understood and accepted.  The life of celebrity, focusing largely on performance, public image, secrecy and “management” of the facts, deprives one of this opportunity.  Freedom is lost. Spontaneity is lost.  A sense of ‘owning oneself’ is lost.  Privacy is lost.  Hypervigilance, anxiety, fear and self-doubt takes over.  The combination of all of these factors leave many celebrities with regret about the path they chose, or the path that was chosen for them, which is often the case.

What we, as a society, can do is to recognize our own projections, our own need to idealize and romanticize celebrities, and the functions these projections serve.  After all, when we learn that a celebrity has fallen, our disappointment and anger is only a function of the needs and longings we have projected onto them.  If that were not so, why would we feel so devastated to learn that they are human? 

Terry Jordan, LCSW, DCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in West Los Angeles, an Adjunct Faculty professor at USC and a clinical supervisor of masters level clinicians.  She is certified in EMDR, has an advanced certification from the Southern California Psychoanalytic Institute, and her areas of expertise include grief and loss, particularly loss to suicide, trauma, LGBTQIA, couples therapy and relationships, depression and anxiety.  For more info, please visit my website.

TERRY JORDAN, LCSW, DCSW, 2001 S. Barrington Ave, # 202, Los Angeles, CA  90025

(310) 895-4848           terry@psychotherapyinla.com             https://www.psychotherapyinla.com

The Nature of Shame

THE NATURE OF SHAME For many people, feelings are scary. This is not something that is necessarily conscious, but it is why people “forget their childhoods”, avoid thinking about difficult subjects, and why relationships can be so difficult. Whilst there are many painful feelings, e.g., fear, helplessness, loneliness, unsafety and panic, one of the most uncomfortable and painful of all is Shame. Shame is a feeling that strikes us at the core. It is visceral. It affects our basic sense of who we are. It makes us feel unworthy, unlovable, deeply flawed and inferior, and wishing we could disappear. Shame is something we don’t talk about very often. It is different from humiliation and embarrassment, and very different from guilt. Shame is the notion that one is bad. Guilt creates anxiety and is related to behavior we exhibit that violates our moral and ethical code. When one feels one is bad, one makes desperate efforts to escape that feeling. This can include addictive behaviors, impulsivity, eating disorders, and projecting it onto others in the form of aggression. (Anger is often a defense against shame). This acting out behavior then reinforces our sense of not being deserving, and of being defective/bad. Shame has also been linked to depression and even suicide. WHERE DOES SHAME COME FROM The origins of shame are childhood experiences of rejection, criticism, abandonment, various forms of violation, neglect and abuse. What we all want most of all is to be loved and to belong. To feel connected. We learn how to reach for others before we learn to speak. The templates for how to be in a relationship get created in infancy and early childhood. For the first 10 months of life, in a “good enough” (Winnicott, D., 1953) family, most of what gets communicated to the infant is positive. In toddlerhood, there is a dramatic and rapid increase in negative comments and expressions of frustration on the part of parents. The child has come to expect a joyful response from the parent(s) and instead, receives frequent comments of judgment and criticism. The child shifts from a state of ecstasy to collapse. He/she goes from feeling connected and “in union with” the caregiver to feeling alone. This is very stressful and frightening to a young child. Their biological drive to be loved and feel connected becomes a source of fear and shame. Their basic sense of safety and security is violated. Their fantasy of being securely attached becomes a source of doubt. Because shame is related to need, the developmental needs of the child become a source of confusion, fear and anxiety. Shame violates the natural bond between mother and child. Because the search for soothing from the parent becomes unsafe, it becomes something to be avoided. The inability to comfortably reach for and receive soothing results in difficulties in the child’s capacity to self-soothe. The shamed child/adolescent begins to shut down and look for soothing elsewhere. In adulthood (and even adolescence), this soothing takes the form of alcohol and other addictions and compulsions. Having toxic shame, one never feels “good enough”. As a result of frequent rejection, dismissiveness or minimization of their basic needs, these children ultimately develop into adolescents and adults who have conflictual feelings about the concept of need, which then translates into conflictual intimate relationships, where needs and their healthy expression are essential. These shame-inducing behaviors towards children have another [mostly unconscious] intent -- to enforce compliance. The repetitive messages of criticism and rejection that one receives in childhood get internalized in the form of self-talk, an inner voice that says over and over that you are not good enough, are unworthy/undeserving, inadequate and defective. The harsh voice of the abusive or neglectful parent becomes one’s own internal dialogue that gets triggered and reinforced constantly via self-talk (again, largely unconscious). Without awareness of this process and its origins, this shame and shaming behavior becomes inter-generational. Many parents, sadly, believe it is an effective way of shaping children’s behavior. This chronic exposure to experiences of shame impacts one’s development, self-esteem/image, relationships, drive, identity, moods, and overall functioning. The stress it creates also increases biological aging. HEALING SHAME There are many different theories about shame, some of them are conflicting. However, at the core of many disorders, is shame. If we don’t address it, we miss the boat. The remedy for shame is compassion and empathy within the context of a kind, sensitive, attuned relationship. A safe therapeutic relationship provides the foundation for releasing the wounds of shame. It is hard to have a healthy intimate relationship when one has unresolved shame. Self-love and self-esteem are a prerequisite for a healthy relationship with others. Self-love, which includes kindness, compassion and respect for the self (as opposed to the narcissistic form of self-love), develops through forgiveness of the self for the violations and abuse we suffered at the hands of others (i.e., recognizing it was not our fault), and living in a way that makes us feel proud, e.g., engaging in acts of kindness, compassion and generosity. After all, what warrants rejection, shaming and criticism of a toddler or young child? Mindfulness is also important in healing. Meditation reduces stress, facilitates emotional and mental health, helps fight addictions, fosters self-love, forgiveness and self-acceptance, and modifies the pathways of age-related illness. In therapy, those triggering memories get activated and, in the context of a safe, supportive and compassionate environment/relationship, have the opportunity to get examined, understood and healed. In the course of therapy, we come to recognize that we have internalized someone else’s difficulties coping, unresolved histories, and lack of understanding/capacity, and we can begin to separate from those messages from who we truly are, and grieve for the child who was the helpless recipient of those projections.

Terry Jordan, LCSW, DCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in West Los Angeles, an Adjunct Faculty professor at USC, and a clinical supervisor of masters level clinicians. She is certified in EMDR, has an advanced certification from the Southern California Psychoanalytic Institute, and her areas of expertise include grief and loss, particularly loss to suicide, trauma, LGBTQIA, couples therapy, depression and anxiety. For more info, please visit my website at www.psychotherapyinla.com, or call (310) 895- 4848

Co-Dependency

We hear the term ‘co-dependency’ frequently, but there is a lot of misunderstanding about its meaning.  Co-dependency interferes with one’s ability to have healthy, boundaried relationships.  It involves an excessive reliance on another person for one’s emotional stability and well-being.  It is also related to a fear of abandonment. 

While connection is a basic human need, when there is an excessive emotional or psychological dependency on another person, it can mimic an addiction.  In fact, many people who become sober find themselves transferring their addiction to a relationship, where co-dependency results. 

A co-dependent person has difficulties staying focused on their own needs.  They tend to focus their emotional investment and attention on particular people in their lives, feeling overly responsible for them.  The person who is co-dependent usually suffers from low self-esteem, difficulties with assertiveness, is prone to depression and anxiety, has difficulties being alone (or not having someone else to focus on), and becomes extremely anxious when they fear someone dislikes them.  They usually come from dysfunctional families and have often been victims of abuse, neglect and abandonment.  They have difficulty making decisions, have trouble taking from others, feel inadequate, minimize or deny the existence of problems, engage in compulsive behaviors, and look for happiness externally.  They also tend to have difficulties with communication, trust and intimacy.  They often view themselves as the victim of others’ “endless needs”, but do not recognize their need to play a central role in rescuing. 

The origins of co-dependency are in childhood, where the needs of the parent dominated and it was hard for the child to get affirmed, loved and nurtured.  These childhoods generally included chaos, uncertainty, manipulation, guilt and shame, including ridigity, excessive punishment, and denial of the existence of any problems. The need for focus on the stability of the parent(s) required that the child put their own needs aside for the purposes of safety.  Because love for one’s parents is often closely connected with pain, in adulthood, one believes that pain and anxiety are a necessary feature of love, which makes it hard to recognize abuse and mistreatment when it occurs.

Recovering from co-dependency requires recognition of the problem, motivation for change, and the ability to tolerate the anxiety that comes with psychological and emotional separation from one’s role as the rescuer and caretaker. It requires the ability to set boundaries in one’s relationships and to say no;  to fight the impulse to become immersed in others’ crises and problems, and to refocus one’s attention on one’s own interests, needs, friends and family.  Ultimately, processing and resolving one’s childhood history will facilitate the understanding of these patterns and development of the necessary skills for self-care, boundaries and overall well-being.

Here is a link to a self-test to determine whether or not you suffer from co-dependency:  http://www.mhankyswoh.org/Uploads/files/pdfs/CoDependency-CoDependencyTest_20130813.pdf

Terry Jordan, LCSW, DCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in West Los Angeles, an Adjunct Faculty professor at USC, and a clinical supervisor of masters level clinicians. She is certified in EMDR, has an advanced certification from the Southern California Psychoanalytic Institute, and her areas of expertise include grief and loss, particularly loss to suicide, trauma, LGBTQIA, couples therapy, depression and anxiety. For more info, please visit my website at https://psychotherapyinla.com, email terry@psychotherapy.com, or call (310) 895- 4848

MY BLOG HAS A NEW HOME

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What is Therapy and How Does it Work

TERRY JORDAN, LCSW, DCSW

Q:     How does therapy work?

A:   Most, if not all of our trauma occurs in the context of interpersonal relationships.  Therefore, healing would naturally occur in the context of a trusting, safe, reliable relationship.  The building of this new relationship itself provides a “corrective emotional experience”.  A skilled therapist makes it safe for you to talk about those things you have either repressed and “forgotten” about, or are too scared or uncomfortable talking about with people in your life.  With the support and guidance of a good therapist, you will come to understand how your past has affected you in the present;  you will be able to resolve past traumas that continue to unconsciously play out in your life, and you will feel more content, stable, and generally function far better in all areas of your life.

Essentially, our job is to create safety and undo your sense of aloneness so you can free yourself to be yourself. Here is how it works:

When something bad happens and we feel powerless – powerless to control our environment or our future, we create psychological strategies to protect ourselves. These are called defenses. Defenses are not bad; without them we literally couldn't function.

The bad news is that defenses can interfere with your quality of life ... your ability to love and be loved, to pursue goals or experience self- worth. When that happens, our job is to help you work through or around these defenses. Many of these defenses developed outside of your conscious awareness during vulnerable times in childhood. They are no longer necessary and are depriving you of experiencing the life that you want. Gently, compassionately and tenaciously, we dissolve these defenses so that you can know and express your real nature.

We do this by helping you connect with yourself as deeply as you are capable. We also help you connect with us in an honest and deep way so that you can experience the essential safety and security you need in order to heal. As we work together, new restorative experiences associated with feeling loved and whole become available to you. Your life, and relationship to yourself and others starts to deepen and expand. Fear gives way to freedom and curiosity.  Anger gives way to acceptance. And sorrow eases, creating room for resilience, love and self- activation.

Q:  What are other benefits of therapy?

A:  With the help of a trained professional, you come to understand the core of your struggles and how they are connected with the difficulties in your life, work and relationships.  You will develop the tools to cope with and change behavioral patterns that don’t work for you.  Because we are largely unconscious beings, and are largely driven by what is unconscious, therapy is about making us more conscious so that we have more control over our lives, feelings and behaviors.  We stop making the same mistakes over and over.  We choose healthier people and develop a sense of empowerment.  Our relationships also become more intimate and satisfying.  Psychotherapy produces positive effects in 92% of participants.  The longer you stay in therapy, the better the results. People who are active in therapy do better than those that are passive. Those who actively engage by being open, asking questions, and following up do better.  For most psychological conditions, people in therapy alone do as well as people who have medication plus therapy.  Those who stay in therapy only as long as insurance coverage allows do worse than those who stay until their concerns are resolved.

Q:  How will I know you are the right therapist for me?

A:  You will know this very quickly.  While there are many skilled therapists out there, you can’t predict “chemistry” and whether the connection will feel right to you.  Very soon into your first few sessions you should feel understood, not only with regard to the content of what you are talking about, but on a much deeper level.  Your therapist should be able to make connections for you that you had never previously considered and give you some insights that should be helpful.  You should have a ‘gut’ feeling, and a sense of relief, when you leave the first session. 

You really need to meet a therapist face-to-face in order to get a good idea of what he/she is like as a person and as a professional. At your first meeting you should keep these questions in mind:

How easy is it to talk to him/her?

Does he/she seem like someone I could trust?

Is he/she really listening to me?

Does he/she seem to know what he/she is doing?

Does he/she seem confident and competent?

Do I feel comfortable with him/her?

Could I ever show this person the deepest, ugliest parts of myself?

Does he/she seem to have the capacity to handle me?

Q: I’m a very private person and it’s important to me that issues I talk about are confidential.  Is my confidentiality completely protected? 

A:  By law I am bound to protect your confidentiality. The exceptions to this are related to child or elder abuse, a threat to harm another person, or if you are in danger of self-harm.

Q:   What makes for a good therapist?

A:   A good therapist is one who is kind, well educated, experienced, insightful, empathic, has good boundaries, is reliable, ethical and professional;  one who has participated in their own therapy (although they may not reveal this to you), and is knowledgeable about various theories of practice (rather than just being trained in one modality, e.g., Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).

A good therapist is deeply and genuinely interested in their client as a person and will understand and relate to them according to that person’s particular needs. 

Q:  How long does therapy take?

A:  No one can answer this honestly.  It depends on many factors, including your goals, your history of trauma, your response to treatment, and your level of motivation.

Q:  What kinds of therapy work best?

A:  There really isn’t one type of therapy that is best.  Typically, what is most important is that the therapist is trained in a range of modalities.  There is not a “one size fits all” approach to therapy.  Someone who is comprehensively trained in approaches that target the body (e.g., EMDR, EFT or SE), the mind, i.e., Evidence Based Practices that address distorted thoughts and are more practical in nature, and that addresses the unconscious, e.g., Psychodynamic/Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, are, in combination, highly effective in working with any and all issues that emerge. 

Q:  How will I know if therapy is helping?

A:  You should know rather quickly.  You will begin to feel better, view things differently, have more self-awareness, coping skills, and hope. 

Q:  Why would I want to talk about difficult or painful things?

A:  If it is locked inside you, it is causing symptoms.  Imagine you had an untreated medical condition.  You would develop symptoms, feel unwell, and it would affect all areas of your life.  The same is true about untreated psychological conditions.  We

don’t recognize the symptoms as problems because we justify them, rationalize them away, deny, minimize or even blame others.  But if we are honest with ourselves and think about the feedback we get from others, the patterns in our relationships, our moods and anxiety, etc., consider that there are significant reasons for these issues.  These are the tell-tale signs that there is something underlying that is unresolved and needs attention.  If we limp for a long time, we might need surgery, which will be painful in the short term, but in the long term, we get relief and are far more functional.  The same is true about emotional or psychological issues. 

Terry Jordan, LCSW, DCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in West Los Angeles, an Adjunct Faculty professor at USC and a clinical supervisor of masters level clinicians.  She is certified in EMDR, has an advanced certification from the Southern California Psychoanalytic Institute, and her areas of expertise include grief and loss, particularly loss to suicide, trauma, LGBTQIA, couples therapy and relationships, depression and anxiety.  For more info, please visit my website.

TERRY JORDAN, LCSW, DCSW, 2001 S. Barrington Ave, # 202, Los Angeles, CA  90025

(310) 895-4848           terry@psychotherapyinla.com             https://www.psychotherapyinla.com